Birthday tears....

How do you put everything aside for one day out of the year and actually be happy that this is your day...to celebrate life!?!?!

A little background info...before I became a Christian I was very hard-hearted. I never cried, I didn't care what people thought and I definitely didn't care about other peoples feelings. When I did finally become a Christian that was really the only request I asked God for...to soften my heart....to give me compassion on people. WHOA...I think He went a little over board now :) I like to joke around and say that a bird could fall out of a tree and I'd cry about it!! (sadly...on some days...I just might!)

So now with all this drama I'm going through (and let me tell you it's SOAP OPERA CERTIFIED!), I've really asked God to harden my heart up a bit. Sadly enough, I know it won't ever happen. There is no such thing as hard-hearted Christians. I do however think that I am capable of stopping the situations from getting worse. God didn't design people just to be walked all over. I just can't seem to distinguish between the two for some reason :( I know that there is a very important thing that I have to do...and I have to do it very soon (for my sake). I just don't know how to approach it...or even do it. By far the hardest thing I think I will ever have to do. How do you let go the love of your life? How do you set aside your emotions long enough to take care of yourself (for once)? My heart is hurting...so bad. I have heard "set it free and if it comes back it was yours to begin with, if it doesn't come back it was never yours anyway", but what if I can't handle it never coming back? Sure I like the beginning of that statement...but what about the end??? I'm not sure I can handle that. I love him soo much (more than I've ever loved anyone). Why can't he be honest and true to me?? I am to him. Why didn't I get a fair chance? Someone take away the tears....take away the pain. I know what I need to do...just need help doing it.

Happy Birthday Me~

Not so good...

Wow...so much has happened the last couple of months. I know about some things that apparently were supposed to be hidden from me. I have been lied to and deceived and I just don't know how to confront it. I hate being confrontational. God knows my heart, my desires and my needs. I come today broken-hearted. Broken-hearted for several reasons. I admit that because of the fact that I have not let God be my center focus- it has led me partially down an unwanted path. I do not however believe that it is all my fault, nor do I think this is how it should have or could have turned out. But that's neither here nor there. Why can't I just let it go??? Why does it have to hurt soo bad?? I feel so inadequate at times. My mind tells me I'm not good enough- but my heart tells me I am. My prayer is that the truth will surface (and I'm so confident that it will...it always does.). I have to be prepared for anything though. With my job situation to this...I find myself being more worried over this other drama than with finding another job.

~~~Today....just not so good~~~